When the pants travel upwards and turns into a jumpsuit, you’re in trouble, and you need to change before you leave the house.  What the FUCK.

Hat?  No.

Purse?  No.

Shoes?  No.  And, Miss BRAND WHORE: I don’t care if Manolo Blahniks makes them (see below for actual manolo denim shoes), YOU. LOOK. LIKE. AN. IDIOT.

Now, you ask, what about denim jackets?!  That’s a tough one because I think society as a whole has a precarious relationship with denim jackets.  Sometimes it is acceptable, and sometimes people try to hint that denim jackets can even be hip, but no one dares to really bring it out into the spotlight.  Which is a smart move because, tomorrow, the scales might tip, and denim jackets slide into the non-acceptable category.  Precarious, precarious.  So, I’m going to vote NO on jackets.

Why are these things still around?  They are hideous.  Don’t give me that, “well, I’m a nurse and I am on my feet all day.”  Because my response will be, “They are not appropriate closed toe shoe footwear because they have freaking holes all over them.  You are violating health codes and you are hurting my soul.”

2. Crew neck sweatshirts.

I don’t know why I have a distaste for them.  Sweatshirts with hoods are equally as casual, but slightly more modern?  How?  Maybe because it is usually the middle age parent who I see still sporting crew neck sweatshirts with their favorite college team emblazoned on it.  Oh, and they often match it with light colored jeans and wear this outfit to an occasion that warrants more dressy attire.  Pot belly and fanny pack not required, but common.  Oh, and teens who have no desire for fashion AT ALL also can be seen donning these sweatshirts.

3. Boys who wear their jeans BELOW their butt. I understand you don’t want them to sit properly on your waist, because god forbid, what weirdo wears jeans that fit?  (sarcasm).  However, just wear them low on the hip.  Don’t wear them under you butt.  How do you run?  How do you walk?  If I wore jeans like that, would have a heart attack because I was CONSTANTLY worrying about my pants falling the REST of the way down, because I never really had them ON.  Stupid.  Oh, yes, the title if number 3 is correct.  You, the idiot who wears his jeans around his knees, needs to go away.  Not your jeans, You.  Moron.

4. Girls who wear leggings as pants.

Yes, ladies, I am hating on you too.  Leggings can go underneath your long (really long) shirt, your dress, your skirt, whatever.  Go ahead, girl, be trendy.  BUT: They do NOT function as pants.  Why?  Because I can see every curve, crack, and flaw around your baby maker.   Gross.  Please, stop.  Please.  Stop.  And yes, I know you aren’t wearing underwear because even thongs would show when you wear leggings AS PANTS!!!

Now, just go away!

I’m starting to think I’m more *with it* than I give myself credit for.  Haha  :)

Why I am totally feeling these shirts:

1. Solid earthy colors = not cheap pattern = a touch of class.

2. Small detail with florals or flutter = not an overpowering pattern = touch of femininity

3. Match this with a cardigan or small blazer + skinny jeans + boots + fun jewelry = fun, trendy, smart, sassy…ready to rock.

“She’s not driven by labels, she’s driven by aesthetics.”

I think women need to be reminded of this from time to time.  We admire Michelle Obama for experimenting, wearing what she likes, and wearing what makes her look and feel good.   She isn’t CONTROLLED by name brands.

Her confidence stems from that freedom.

Our admiration for her stems from the underlying yearning for that freedom.

1.  Pedophiliac fetishes of certain men.  You know, the catholic school girl minor with pigtails/braids.

PS: Yes, men do really think about this whenever they see women in pigtails.  A lot of them do.  So unless this is what you want men to think of when they see you, then you better cut it out.

2. Who the fuck do you think you are kidding, Ms. Daddy Complex.

Oh, huh.  Case in point.  You’re a 40 year old women who menstruates and obviously had sex to create your own baby.  You are no longer this innocent little girl….

So, give it up.  If I ever came to an office/clinic and the professional I was trying to seek advice from walked in wearing pigtails, I would leave immediately without say a word.  Seriously.  Do you expect me to take you seriously when you are dressed like a part time porn star / psychological mess?

—

Now, let’s talk about braids.  Braids are apparently making a wave across Hollywood trends.  So, let me differentiate between the acceptable and unacceptable kinds of braids:

Unacceptable:  pigtail braids.  Still pigtails, still look like an idiot.

Acceptable, when braids accentuate a hairstyle, but don’t overpower it.  Kind of like when people wear barrettes or headbands or flowers in their hair.  It adds something, but doesn’t become the centerpiece.

Unacceptable, when braids overpower your hair.

No crowns of braids

No braids in the shape of horns or antennas.

The Trendy Pattern.

I naturally tend for solid colors or minimal patterning when I shop because patterns don’t usually last more than a season or two.  I’ve picked up a dress or two with a pattern and thought, what was I thinking?!

Take for instance, this year’s over the top, in your face, black + [color] flannel pattern that all the girls in skinny jeans, and all the boys in skinny jeans, are wearing.  Super cute now, but let’s wait a year…. cause in a year you’re going to wonder why you thought it was a great idea to purchase a plaid dress, tank top, jacket, and shirt (in 3 colors).

But let’s get to the meat of the matter.

The polyester patterned clubbing shirts, most often found at jcpenny’s or kohls…or my guess, Wal-mart.

You know, the ones that are made of 100% polyester and flammable within 10 feet of an open flame.  Often the girls who covet these shirts purchase them 1 size too small (so their boobs hang out) and it is just an inch too short, so their belly hangs out.  To top it off, they wear light wash denim with brown boots with a chunky heel.   Oh, and she has a bad perm and a pack-a-day smoker’s voice.  Judging.  Yes, I am.

I know what you’re thinking.  ”But stacy and clinton always talk about how a pattern helps flatter a woman’s bumps and lumps.”  Riiight.  I am thinking these patterns are less “flattering” and more “blinding” and “nausea inducing.”  And most of the time, stacy and clinton don’t put women in flammable polyester.  One would hope.

Moral of the story?  I guess, choose your patterns carefully.  This post is less fashion advice, and more venting about ugly patterns.

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

I pray for us.  Not for the people of wal-mart, because they are long gone…. but to the innocent people who think that place might sound like a good idea when you’re just looking for a pair of jeans to wear around the house.  Stay away, please.  Just rummage the $7.99 clearance section of Macy*s.  PLEASE.

PS: Thank you, Emily, for directing me to this site.  I guess.  :)